Cereal Killers

In which I present gritty reboots of cereal mascots and ad slogans.

Werner herzog: “As she consumed the tiny chocolate morsels, she felt the desperate insanity grow in her breast. Her bird persona was reasserting itself. She must feed, the hunger defines her. Truly, she was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”

Colin Farrell (smoking, sitting on a three legged stool): “every day, I’m busting my ass out there, just trying to get by, trying to find a four leaf clover, something to bring home to my family so they know our luck is going to change. I want my children and my wife to believe in me again.”

“But I turn around and they’re pursuing me. They’re relentless. Starving. Ragged. Rabid giant children; they find what’s mine and they take it, they rip it from my finger, and then they laugh at me.”

“They’re always trying to get my lucky charms.”

John Krasinski, head in hands. “We were the last of the resistance. All of Earth’s governments had fallen under control of Zerraley, the alien queen. We had fought, we had lost, we had grieved and mourned.”

“But I was never broken. Not until they took my wife. I had to watch as she bowed to them, and uttered those hated words of allegiance to the alien overlords.”

“‘Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee.”

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