Down the K-hole

In a post earlier today, I mentioned being on ketamine and experiencing a dissociative state of hyper-reality. I’ve unearthed an old post from a neglected blog I had. You’ll find my experience below.

I took the bottle of nose spray my friend had filled with ketamine, and snorted. As it took hold, I experienced death. I experienced a moment, in a world beyond language, a pixelated world, and my personality was void. In that space of non-language, non-existence, non-comprehension, a time where I may as well have been speaking in binary. I remember a green place, As I gradually reacquired my body, the feeling of intense tingling in my lips and in my fingers seemed to indicate the pixelation of my body. I could shift my consciousness from that intense sensation elsewhere, but it returned. I was hyperventilating. It looked a bit like illustration.


Once I had reached the deepest part of my journey, I asked for God to speak to me and God chuckled and said, “Well, we’ll say whatever you want us to say. What do you want us to say?” I realized that that deepest point with in me which I expected to emanate with divine commands was actually a product of my own consciousness.

I realized that I need to stop begging for a God outside myself and start to recognize that the God I want is within myself.

I stood up and I said, in John Kennedy’s voice: “We have not done this for the benefit of ourselves or from selfishness, we have done this for the benefit of the whole human race. We are engaged in an epic search for truth and humanity. We have found God. We have found him in the depths of our own minds. We have voyaged into new and uncharted territories.”

“Human beings must not suffer in vain, they must not suffer alone.  If heaven does not exist,  we will build it. As there are no gods, we shall assume our proper role in creation and assume that role as gods. We will extend our consciousness throughout the stars. We must extend our consciousness throughout the universe, we must continue to explore. We must make peace with one another, in order that we may inhabit this galaxy. We must continuously move toward a world animated by peace and justice.”

“We have assumed the mantle of leadership not because we desired it, but because the world required it. Our minds and talents are gifts, which must be used for the salvation and betterment of our species.”

“Death is a gift, and life must be lived in sight of that gift. At the moment of death, each of us must face the intermittent experience of consciousness, where our personality is identified and dis-identified with ourselves, alternating throughout time.”

And I realize that my role in life was to become a shaman scientist, someone who can act as intermediary between the dark and mystic and mysterious. I would describe the compelling forces which consist the unconscious and drive people to do unreasonable things, and use scientific understanding and evidence to replace the brutality and the fear of life with something new and something pure.


    1. Hi Maria – thanks for your question. This story is based on listening to JFK’s speeches about space exploration and a classical music piece called “Fanfare for the Common Man.” I used this setting to try and describe sensations in different words and terms, like an alien might. I always try to “show, don’t tell” when I can, and create visuals of the experiences through words. The visuals are based on some comics art I thought was interesting. I wouldn’t recommend taking any medicines that aren’t prescribed to you by a doctor.


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